Nov 29, 2008

The holidays. A time to be with your family and friends and all I can think about are the stupid baby's first Christmas stuff that I keep seeing EVERYWHERE!!!! I should be getting that stuff for Jay, but he's not in my arms. I should be thinking about how I can get the stuff for Peanut next year, but nope I don't even have that. It bites...I'm trying to think about other stuff, like that I'm graduating in 3 weeks or getting ready for Christmas with my boys that are with me instead of thinking about what I don't have with me right now. If only this was easier.

Nov 21, 2008

I know I said I wouldn't post any more, and maybe it's because no one even cares if this blog is here, but I'm going to post anyway because it seems like no one cares if thsi is here or nto and probably no one is reading it anyway so I don't feel bad about all the downer posts.

So I'm not pregnant- still...I've known that few a few days. sigh. Well we aren't trying anymore so if it happens now it really isn't my fault. I would really like to give this story a happy ending. That's probaby another reason why I'm writing again. I want a happy ending. I guess time will tell if I get a happy ending or not...

Nov 13, 2008

Letting go....

So this was our last month of trying for another baby, and even though the month isn't over yet I don't think it really matters. I'm in what chat rooms call the tww or two week wait. Which just means that Im in the 2 weeks before my period should start. Actually I'm in the last week before it should start, at least close to it, and while this month was a good, maybe even great, attempt for getting pregnant I have no hope of it happening. I jsut don't feel like it worked out. So now I have to let go and say good bye to having anothr baby. It just wasn't meant to be. I have a great thing right now. I have 4 wondeful boys, a wonderful husband, I'm graduating in 5 more weeks, and then I will be able to get a job and life will work out great.

So why does it hurt so much knowing that this is the end?? All I wanted was another baby, maybe twins. Yet instead I got my heart broken twice...I want my Jay and Peanut but I know that's not possible, I jsut dn't understand why I can't have another baby at all...

Maybe I need to end this blog here. I was originally going to go for a year anyway and that time has past so maybe now is the time to say good bye to not only having another baby but to Jay and Peanut and their story as well...I don't know. I was hoping there story would have a happy ending, but my life doesn't seem to have very many if any of those... I don't know if I'm going to blog anymore...maybe it is time to end it before it gets any sadder then it already has been... Maybe I should leave it up to anyone who reads this, if anyone reads this. I started this blog to let others know they are not alone. That was the whole point. Maybe I'm not really helping anyone though...maybe, just maybe, all I'm doing is writing things that no one wants to hear.

So if anyone is reading this and you want me to keep blogging Jay and Peanut's story post a comment and let me know other wise I guess this is the end of the story...

Thanks to anyone that listened and sent thoughts my way.

Nov 2, 2008

One year ago I had to say good bye to you. One year...I'm doing better then I thought I would, but I'm glad I didn't have to really do anything today anyway. I was going to go and let a balloon go to remember but the weather had other plans. There was no way we could do it today. with any luck the weather will be better tomorrow so we can let one go for you. I'm going to light your candle soon and Peanut's too. I went to get the mail today because we had been gone all weekend and found a card from the hospital you were born at letting us know that they remember too. I still miss you with al my heart even if I don't think about it all the time. I don't feel bad about the balloon because I know you understand. Maybe the rain today was you crying too because you miss us. I wish I knew what was in the future as I sit here today. I wish I knew if trying for another baby was the right thing to do or not. I wish I knew what the plan for me was over the next year. Instead I sit here, not sure what to do in the next few minutes for fear it will mess up that plan. I'm not sure were the road is going to go or what path we will follow from here. I've begun to think that we just aren't meant to have another baby in this life, but everytime I think that I feel you there pushing me on and giving me hope some how. I'm trying so hard to not give up, but I feel so alone. I know that I'm not but I feel like it anyway.

I want a baby so bad...I know to so many it doesn't make sense for us to have anymore and many think I'm crazy for the ones I do have, but I can't change what is in my heart. I'm sick of trying month after month and getting my hopes up just to be crushed later. I hate that should I get pregnant I have to walk on glass instead of be happy. What if it doesn't work out? What if I get hurt again?? What if after what if! I jsut want a baby and to be happy but I don't think it will happen any time soon if at all. I just want to know if I'm going to keep getting hurt or actually have a happy ending in some way...and I know that is too much to ask.

I'll always remember you-
James Cadyn "Jay"
Nov 2, 2007