May 3, 2009

To find out or to not find out?

Every day I think of new reasons to find out or to not find out so I'm going to argue with mysef for a minute (and others can feel free to join in too)

1- We have always found out before. The only times we didn't find out was because the baby was gone so we couldn't. And I have a really hard time the last 2 months of pregnancy because I have what one Dr called an "irritable uterus" which doesn't quite cover it for me but whatever. Basically I go into labor very well but I also go out of it very well. So I will have several hours of contractions that get closer together and are very regular but I don't dilate and they will stop before I can get to the hospital (I've been lucky enough to make it to the hospital in labor once just to have it stop after I was all hooked up to an IV and everything so I was induced anyway) So seeing as how the last 2 months are so hard, the last month the worst, maybe having something like this to look forward to would make it not so bad instead of jsut waiting for {insert name} to come I am waiting to see who it is that is coming.

2- Everyone will focus on gender instead of a healthy baby. Everyone I know in real life keeps telling me they hope I get a girl when asked to pray for a healthy baby. When asked I tell them the truth, that after losing 2 babies I can't even think about gender I jsut want to know my baby is healthy and ok. I ask them to pray for a healthy baby and they always answer the same thing "I'll pray you get a girl" WTF???? I don't want people to know what we are having until after Casper gets here so I don't have to hear how great it is that I'm having a girl or how sad it is I'm having another healthy boy. I really truely feel like there are several people I know that if I were to say "I'm having a girl but she is very sick and we will be lucky if she lives to birth much less if we even get a day with her" to which they would say "You are having a girl!!! That is so great! Who cares that she is sick at least you are having a girl!!!" UGH!

3- In truth I do want a girl. It would be nice to have my own daughter and not jsut my step daughter that we see once every few months. Chas and my boys really want a girl too. So much so that my Lex is afraid he will hate a boy just for being a boy (I went through this with Bry when Sky was born and they have been best friends since he was born but anyway) Lex is so afraid that we have to keep the gender a secret from him until he has had time to hold Casper and fall in love with him before finding out boy or girl (he asked us to do this as one of the many options we gave for ways to help him not hate another brother) I went through a really hard time after finding out Sky was a boy and I hate myself for it. I don't want to go through that again when I know in the end I will love my baby no matter what or to hate myself the whole time because I know how lucky I am to be having a baby that is healthy so I really shouldn't care what is between their legs.

4- (the newest thought) I've been looking at baby stuff online to try to get an idea of how much things will cost and it is much cheaper to get stuff that is for a girl then it is to get stuff for a boy which is cheaer then stuff that is gender neutral!!! There is a travel system for a girl that it like $119 but the cheapest gender neutral one I cna see myself with is almost $200!!!! That's a big difference. Add to that I would forever be upset that I brought my only girl home to yellows and greens instead of being able to put her in pinks and purples and stuff with flowers and such. And should we have a girl there is another girl being born any day now in the family that we might be abel to get hand me downs from too but who knows how fast they will get rid of them, but that brings me back to not wanting people to think only about the gender! Sigh. The biggest thing for this arguement is that if we are having a girl after 5 boys then it would be nice to have girl stuff and girl stuff is cheaper too. I keep thinking maybe I could find out and then buy stuff and hide it from everyone but I would have to tell my aunt at least because we are living with her so she would see all of it and then the boys would know so who knows how long it would stay a secret.

5- If we do find out and hear boy like in the dream I had yesterday then I would feel really bad because I would tell no one but if we hear girl I might tell people just so I can start getting hand me downs so I don't have to buy as much if anything. Maybe I would even get lucky enough to have someone throw me a baby shower becuase I'm having a girl after 5 boys. Who knows? I would also feel bad about hearing boy because all of my arguements are about hearing girl and getting ready for a girl. Should we hear boy I will have to lie to everyone so Lex doesn't find out so he can fall in love with Casper before deciding he hates another brother.

6- Back to the dream, I have had a dream with every living baby of mine that told me the gender and it has always been right so I feel like I already know what I'm having and I just have to prove it. Given that I probably wouldn't believe it even if they did say girl or at birth if they told me girl. I would think for sure that there was a mistake.and it's not really my baby.

Chas thinks we should just not find out. That the reasons to not find out are better then the reasons to find out. He's probably right but it doesn't change the way I look at it right now. sigh. I don't know what to do...do I really want to know or do I really want to wait? I don't know how to decide. First I want to know my baby is ok and I don't want mysef or others to get wrapped up in gender but I don't think I can stand to wait until Oct either. I'm not that patient. I would be begging Chas for a 3D ultrasound by July to fnd out gender. I just know I would. So arguing with myself continues...I just can't make up my mind

May 1, 2009

Today I had what should be my 16 week visit, even though I won't be 16 weeks until Tuesday. It was set for Monday, but I changed it because I might be out of town on Monday. Anyway, Casper sounds good still and I set my ultrasound date too. My next appointment and ultrasound will be on June 1st. I'm terrified. Today's visit was equal to the last one Ja was alive for and the ultrasound will be at the same place we found out Peanut was gone as well as the same time line for when I found out Jay was gone... All I know is that my doppler is getting used a lot between now and then to help me feel better.

My Dr also told me that my placenta is in the front (before I as told it was in the back) which is why I haven't felt any movement yet and it will make it really hard to feel movement in general. Sigh. At least I have my doppler other wise I would go crazy!

So we decided to take a chance and start talking names and make a name list for others to vote on so if anyone would like to vote here is the link-

April 21, 2009

I went and saw my Dr yesterday and he's not as worried as I think he should be, but maybe he is just trying to keep me calm. Anyway, He doesn't want to do another ultrasound because there is nothing that can be done anyway and it will only make me worry more. So I go back for my normal appointment on May 4th and he told me I could go back 2 weeks after that for a heartbeat check if I need to and then 2 weeks after that will be the 20 week U/S!!! I can't believe I only have 6 weeks left until I'm there. It seems so far away and yet I'm sure it will go really fast as there is a lot of stuff between now and then.

Ok and now for the best part of this post (ok the rest is really good too but this is REALLY good!)


We can hear the heartbeat on my doppler now!!!! That means I can hear this little one whenever I want too!

Oh and we have a nickname too. We wanted something Halloweenish but we have been having a really hard time finding something that sounds right and will stick, but last night Chas and I decided to jsut call the baby Casper for now and this morning Bry agreed so the baby is now called Casper until he or she is born. =)

April 12, 2009

(typing one handed sorry)

I went to the er yesterday morning and gpt admitted by the er dreven though the obs made it very clear they didn't see the point to me being there.

Anyway, the bleeding in my uterus is worse and causing my so much pain. I couldn't move or even touch my stomach. The er dr wanted me to be watched because it is building up inside me and not coming out and the obs thought I should have been sent home and told to take tylenol and not even put on bed rest because I wasn't bleeding out. Well one of the obs told me that all they could do was give me pain pills (that weren't working for more then if I didn't move at all) or terminate the pregnancy. So because I wouldn't terminate I was sent home with pills. Never mind that they only way the pills worked at all was I was taking 2 every 3 1/2 to 4 hours and they only gave me 20 pills! Yea, I wonder how long those are going to last.

Stupid insensitive people. Oh and the ob told me that if the pain gets worse it means the bleeding is worse and will need to be checked. Well the pain got worse and so her solution was to deal or terminate. I don't understand why they can't just do something like an amnio and remove some of the blood to make it let up a little for a minute, but no. Either I deal or terminate.

April 4, 2009

I went to the ER today. Yesterday Sky had been climbing over me and I got these really bad cramps that were worse when I layed on my right side looking back on it. The had me in tears and curling into a ball. Anyway I still had cramping today and couldn't shake the feeling sometign was wrong so I went in. They gave me an U/S and the good news is there is one baby, the heart rate was at 172, and the baby measured a week farther then I thought I was. The bad new is there is a bleed and the placenta had ripped some, which I'm sure is what I felt yesterday. So now I'm on pelvic rest and bed rest. I see my Dr on Weds and find out then what he wants to do from here.

I still have really bad all day sickness though and I feel good about this pregnancy too so time will tell what will happen. I really just want a baby no matter what. I had someone ask me today what I would do if I had another boy and that seemed like the oddest question to me. I had no idea how to answer it other then to shrug and tell them we already lost a boy so it doesn't really matter to me. I don't even want to find out what we are having which everyone thinks is so weird. I just can't bring myself to hope for a girl when all I want is to finally have a healthy baby after everything I've been through.

Here's hoping I cna get my doppler to work soon so I can know that this little one is ok.

March 31, 2009

Sorry I've been MIA (again) My internet is out at home so it makes it very hard to try to post anything.

So there is nothing new going on really. I'm 11 weeks today and the all day sickness is still getting worse. It hit new heights today but I won't gross you with it. Anyway, I'm still hanging in there. M doppler doesn't work yet and I go see the Dr next week so with any luck he will hear the heart eat with his and he is going to try mine too if he can hear the heart beat with his. If not I will be getting an U/S. I'm almost hoping he can't hear it jsut so I can get an U/S and see that everything is ok instead of just have to trust that everything sounds ok, you know? Oh well.

So I'm online at the library and I really need to get home so I have to cut this short (which is ok because there is nothing else to say anyway at this point) Hopefully I will be back on soon with good news. Until then, later.

March 10, 2009

8 Weeks

I wonder at what point breathing will start for me? For most that have had a M/C they say that they feel better fter making it through the first tri because 12 weeks is the "magical point where you are safe" Too bad I can't think that way. I can't help but wonder if it would have been easier to have lost Jay and Peanut earlier thne I did. Like jsut started bleeding by 8 weeks or so instead of going so far into the pregnancy. I know it wouldn't have changed the pain I went through back then, but would it make a difference now? Would I feel like I could be safe once I passed 12 weeks or would I not feel safe until I held my child in my arms and saw them breathing and heard their cry? I keep trying to tell myself I jsut have to make it past that 20 weeks U/S and I'll feel better, but in my heart I know that's not true. I won't feel safe to buy anything until I only have a few weeks left so "just in case" I can still take it back. I don't think I will feel safe with this pregnancy at any point. After losing Jay when I was supposed to be "safe" ffrom a M/C and didn't have to worry about going into labor or anything like that, I don't think I will be able to buy anything or breathe easy until I'm holding my baby. I guess that's psrt of the reason I don't want to find out. Even if we are having twins I still don't want to know although Chas does. I don't know. I guess knowing what gender the baby(ies) is/are will just make it that much more real and that much harder to not shop but I don't want to shop until they are in my arms anyway. I figure that should we be blessed enough to have twins family will be nice enough to throw us a party/baby shower and we could always jsut ask that it be done after they get here and then we can get just the basic stuff in gender neutral colors and thne have a party to welcome our last baby(ies) into the world and get stuff for them then hopefully. If not then we can always just save the money and get everything after they are here too. It would be easy to do it really. Now if only I can get Chas to go with it (of course I could jsut not give him a choice and go to the U/S by myself but after Jay I'm not sure I'm brave enough for that idea)