June 17, 2009

I think a lot lately but I never put it down. Why you might ask is because I'm afraid to put it into words. Afraid the fear will take over and win, afraid to hope to much, just afraid of what will come out as I let my mind go and type like I do on here.

So to play catch up, I've gone to the ER 3 times with this pregnancy. Once at almost 12 weeks, once at almost 13 weeks (a week after the first visit) and again at about 18 weeks. I'm sure I've posted about the first 2 so I will skip those and go to the 18 week visit.

We were visiting my mother in law and I'd been having really lightheaded and dizzy spells that would cause me to fall over and then I was cramping with it, then came the spotting, and then we couldn't find the heartbeat with my doppler. Well all of this built up over several days so when we couldn't find the heart beat it was time to go to the ER. They found the heartbeat in the ER with the machine they told me hardly ever found the heartbeat but they sent me for an ultrasound anyway jsut to be safe. Well we found out the bleeding was almost completely gone and the whole time we were calling Casper/Kasper a "he" and I mentioned to the tech we didn't know for sure so she offered to tell us. Turns out we are having a GIRL!!! Adn we already have a name for her too Makenna Elizabeth =)

Ok fast forward about 2 more weeks for my normal appointment with ultrasound and the placenta has moved, there is no more blood, and she is "perfectly healthy" and still a she =) So far everything is going good. I'm sure she will break one of my ribs at some point as she LOVES to climn up there and stretch out and boy does it hurt!!!! She is already such a dady's girl too. Whenever Chas puts his hand on my stomach she moves to him and it has come in handy (no pun intended) a few times when she is stretched out in my ribs or inbetween my hip bones. He jsut puts his hand where it will be more comfortable for me and she moves! It's great. I have to lay cuddled up to Chas so my stomach is touching him or she will get really mad. As I lay there she will shift into him in seconds. She has even learned how to kick hard enough that he can feel her already which shouldn't be possible for a few weeks still.

It amazes me that I am here. I really thought I wouldn't be here again. I thought that after Jay and Peanut I would never have another baby. I feared I would just murder any baby that tried to go inside me. I know many don't agree with how I look at it but it is really how I still feel to this day. It is what it is, but anyway. To be here and to have made it this far I feel like I'm really going to have a baby in Oct so I can finally breath and be excited but I also think about Jay and Peanut a lot too. I wonder about them and how it would have been to be here with them. To feel them move and grow. To be planning on their birth and how their brothers would be with them. I hear Sky talk about how he is going to be a big brother and Bry tells him he is already a big brother and he gets mad and says he's not. I have to tell Bry to let it go because at almost 3 Sky doesn't understand that he has 2 younger siblings that aren't here with us. The older booys know and remember but Sky is still too little. Even Cam at 5 has a hard time understanding. One year when they are older I can talk to them about Jay and Peanut and they will understand. I think about Jay and Peanut probably every day although it's not the same as it used to be. The pain isn't all the time and so hard to handle. It's like they will always be here and they are always in my mind and it still hurts, don't get me wrong, the pain is just different. Almost like I have gotten used to living with the pain so it's more in the background then a part of every breath I take. It's so hard to explain and I jsut can't find words that will make it make sense like it should. I guess the only way to really know what I'm talking about is to have been there yourself and that is something I hope no one ever has to go through.