March 31, 2009

Sorry I've been MIA (again) My internet is out at home so it makes it very hard to try to post anything.

So there is nothing new going on really. I'm 11 weeks today and the all day sickness is still getting worse. It hit new heights today but I won't gross you with it. Anyway, I'm still hanging in there. M doppler doesn't work yet and I go see the Dr next week so with any luck he will hear the heart eat with his and he is going to try mine too if he can hear the heart beat with his. If not I will be getting an U/S. I'm almost hoping he can't hear it jsut so I can get an U/S and see that everything is ok instead of just have to trust that everything sounds ok, you know? Oh well.

So I'm online at the library and I really need to get home so I have to cut this short (which is ok because there is nothing else to say anyway at this point) Hopefully I will be back on soon with good news. Until then, later.

March 10, 2009

8 Weeks

I wonder at what point breathing will start for me? For most that have had a M/C they say that they feel better fter making it through the first tri because 12 weeks is the "magical point where you are safe" Too bad I can't think that way. I can't help but wonder if it would have been easier to have lost Jay and Peanut earlier thne I did. Like jsut started bleeding by 8 weeks or so instead of going so far into the pregnancy. I know it wouldn't have changed the pain I went through back then, but would it make a difference now? Would I feel like I could be safe once I passed 12 weeks or would I not feel safe until I held my child in my arms and saw them breathing and heard their cry? I keep trying to tell myself I jsut have to make it past that 20 weeks U/S and I'll feel better, but in my heart I know that's not true. I won't feel safe to buy anything until I only have a few weeks left so "just in case" I can still take it back. I don't think I will feel safe with this pregnancy at any point. After losing Jay when I was supposed to be "safe" ffrom a M/C and didn't have to worry about going into labor or anything like that, I don't think I will be able to buy anything or breathe easy until I'm holding my baby. I guess that's psrt of the reason I don't want to find out. Even if we are having twins I still don't want to know although Chas does. I don't know. I guess knowing what gender the baby(ies) is/are will just make it that much more real and that much harder to not shop but I don't want to shop until they are in my arms anyway. I figure that should we be blessed enough to have twins family will be nice enough to throw us a party/baby shower and we could always jsut ask that it be done after they get here and then we can get just the basic stuff in gender neutral colors and thne have a party to welcome our last baby(ies) into the world and get stuff for them then hopefully. If not then we can always just save the money and get everything after they are here too. It would be easy to do it really. Now if only I can get Chas to go with it (of course I could jsut not give him a choice and go to the U/S by myself but after Jay I'm not sure I'm brave enough for that idea)

March 9, 2009

I have my first Dr appointment on Wed and I don't want to go. I'm so scared. I'm so chicken about going by myself that I even called my BFF tonight and asked HIM to go with me! Thankfuly he is the best person in the whole world and doesnt feel weird about going with me (as long as I don't ask him to do anything other then hold my hand in the waiting room, but anything more would be too weird for me too so no worries there)

I'm jsut freaking out. The only reason I finally made the appointment was because I got offered a massage therapist job, BUT they are worried about how their method of teaching could hurt the baby after the losses I've had so they want to be sure receiving the deep massage work while being taught it won't do any harm which makes me feel very good to know that they are actually worried about it.

So now I get to spend the next day worrying about if my BFF will be able to go with him (he wasn't sure but will let me know tomorrow) or if I have to go alone and if I will be able to get this job or not and if my baby is going to be ok this time or if I'm going to get hurt again.

I want to scream and cry all at the same time! This is my last chance at being pregnant ever. I really want a happy ending...

March 4, 2009

Wow I have gotten really bad at this....I'm going to try to get better at it again but it might take me awhile to get there as life is getting crazy with moving and starting work and everything. Ugh. Anyway. Here is an update, with what little there is to update.

I'm really sick. I'm not like throwing up sick because I refuse to let myself throw up when I know it won't help and I can stop it. But I'm sicker then I have ever been which is proved by the fact that not even my tricks (tums mostly) work this time around. I feel better when the tums is in my mouth but the moment it is gone forget it. And it didn't start out like this. It has been getting worse every day. Which is a good thing because it means my HCG must be going up. I will gladly suffer if it means I will be holding a baby or two in Oct.

I'm really really REALLY tired. We are talking I can't ever stay awake tired. I'm hoping once I start working it will get better. Or at least once I get through the first tri it will get better. As long as it gets better I'm fine with it. Ok I'm fine with it evenif it doesn't get better if I make it to the end with a healthy baby or two!!!!

I had a job interview yesterday and they loved me and I have another one tomorrow at a different place too. I can't wait to get started. I really want the one tomorrow because I can do prenatal massage there and the one for yesterday I can't as much so it would fit into my plans better for tomorrows interview to get the job there but at this point I really don't care either way. I'm excited to start working somewhere at this point.


Umm lets see. Oh, I haven't called the Dr yet although I know I really need to. I'm trying to put it off as long as possible because I really can't stand to go through all the tests. Although I can't get on maternity insurance until I go see him and have him say "yep your pregnant!" That and he could give me an U/S which could let me know once and for all if there is only one or two in there. It would for sure make Chas feel better to know what we are in for. I jsut don't know how brave I really am at this point...Maybe I will call and be like "Yea I'm pregnant but I'm only like 7 weeks and I know I don't have to get in until like 12-13 at the latest so could we jsut make the appointment for around then so I don't have to go up there anymore then I have to as it will be such a pain by bus and I don't have insurance yet???" LOL They jsut might think I'm crazy, but you do what you have to do, right? I need to start looking into insurance for pregnancy so when I do get this job tomorrow I won't have to worry about making too much money for state insurance...I need to find someone that will insure me even already pregnant...hmmmm


Ok I think that is everything and you are all caught up now....um yea I think that covers it. Like I said I will try to post more often. =)