2 years as the mom of an angel baby

It has now been two years since I had to say good bye to my sweet baby Jay. It still hurts like hell. Sure I have figured out how to live day to day and get by and be ok with my new normal, but it still hurts like hell. I still think losing a child is something no one should ever have to go through, no matter the stage be it hours after the BFP, days, weeks, months, after the child is born, no matter when it happens it hurts like hell and no mother or father should have to say good bye to thier child. On Nov 2nd I sat holding Makenna and being so thankful to finally have a baby. my baby, in my arms knowing it would be the last time I would ever hold a baby of my own again (unless God steps in and decides other wise) and I am so grateful and feel so blessed to have her but my heart still breaks for the ones I lost and never got to hold. My angel babies as I call them. On Halloween I was asked by my MIL if we were going to have anymore and we both told her no the risk is too high. Given that Jay and Peanut were lost from placenta problems and we almost lost Makenna from placenta problems and I almost died after birth from the blood loss (ok maybe that is over reacting but I thought I was going to die and Chas did too until after the Dr was done and assured him I would be ok) the way I look at it is getting pregnant again would be risking my life and the baby's life so I just can't do it. We had agreed that because of the risks to the baby as we saw them that Makenna would be the last baby no matter how it ended (with a baby to hold or another angel baby to love from afar)

My life is so crazy right now wth the 5 kids so I don't get to come and post as much as I would like too. Add to that my computer is down for the count and I have to wait for the time to get on Chas' computer and have the boys being good and have Makenna sleeping and I don't get on very often but I do think about this blog almost every day. I know there is a lot more I want to say but I don't have the time to post more and with the boys running around me I can't think straight anyway. With any luck I will be able to remember it all after they go to bed and post more then.

Makenna's Birth Story

I went to my dr appointment on Sept 29th at 10:40 AM. I had an NST the Thursday before and they had wanted me to come back on Mon Sept 28th for another one because of high BP so I went to that one. On Fri at about 9-10 PM I started having contractions that were between 3-10 min apart and vary in pain and I'd noticed she wasn't moving very much on Mon morning and hadn't been since Fri. Well I called my Drs office on the way to the NST and told them what was going on so they knew. So I go to the NST and everything looks fine except my BP which is still high and it went up while I was there instead of going down like it normally does. So they send me home and the next morning I'm off to my dr and I'm texting DH the whole way about not wanting to go because I'm sure he will tell me to just hang in there for another week or more and I don't want to go through all the trouble and pain of going to the dr 2-3 times a week just to have her late. So I get to the dr and get in and my bp is still high and he tells me that he is worried about them and he is at the hospital all night so he is going to call and get me in right now! He said something to me about having this baby today and I responded with "TODAY today?" LOL So I'm texting DH and my aunt and everyone and getting dressed and heading into his office. The hosital is just across the street so there is no way I can sneak home or anything so it was a good thing I had finished packing my hospital bag right before I left that morning.

So I go over and I know I have to wait a little while for DH to get there and they get me hooked up and the pitocin started and I was so excited that I didn't even care how much it hurt for several hours. I was all hooked up and started at 11:33 AM (at least that is when I texted DH to tell him I was anyway) It was after 2 pm before DH got up there because of having to wait for my aunt to get home to be with the boys and taking the buses up to the hospital. I was slowly moving along and doing pretty good. I was at 3 CM when another dr came in to break my water. He was so rough with it! I had to make him stop because it felt like he was ripping my insides out! He was scratching me with the hook and everything! I thought that would be the worst thing I had ever gone through having a baby (famous last words right?) So later I feel a gush of fluid. My water has never broke on it's own so I'm thinking this has got to be it! I called the nurse in and nope. It wasn't my water. It was blood. (start my flash back right about now to having Jay) the nurse keeps checking me and her hand comes out covered in blood. Thankfully my dr had just gone on call and was at the desk when she went to go call him so he came in and checked me and broke my water. After he had done that I noticed he had blood up to almost his elbow. So I'm freaking out. The nurse is telling me that every thing is fine it's probably jsut from the first dr trying to break my water because he was so rough about it (even she noticed what does that tell you?) I had been planning to go without an epidural but I'm so afraid for my baby I get one just in case I have to go for a c-section. At this point it's about 5 PM and I'm at maybe 4 CM. So I get the epidural and I'm trying to stay calm which is very hard as Makenna doesn't want to stay on the monitor and hasn't sense we got there. At about 7 PM I start to feel this sharp pain in the front right above the hair line. I rolled to the other side to see if myabe the epidural was wearing off on that side but it didn't get better, only worse. I put pressure on that spot and it created a pushing feeling with the contractions. I pushed the button for the epidural to make sure I had enough going in and decided her head must be stuck there. The nurse came in to check me and at 7:15 I was barely 5 CM and still 70%. She found Makenna and within a matter of minutes we lost her on the monitor again so at 7:30 the nurse is back to check me again. By this time the pain in the front has stopped and I feel like pushing but that had been going on and off the whole time so I wasn't thinking too much about it. So she checks me and sure enough Makenna is ready to come out. Normally they have to reach and try really hard to find my cervix but the nurse barely put her hand in to check and was like "yep she's right there" My dr had just gone into a c-section though so I was told to just wait and try to not push because it would be probably like 45 min before he was done. Ok great. So at 7:50 my dr comes in and they rush to get the room ready. So they get everything done and have me all ready to go and my dr checks me and says that he doesn't think we need to wait for a contraction so for me to jsut give a push. It took half a push and he head was out. Another half a push and out came the rest of her. There was one nurse holding one leg and DH holding my other and the nurse that had been helping me all day was standing by DH. Well Makenna came so fast the nurse by DH says "oh she's already out?" lol She weighed in at 6 lb 3 oz and 20 in long.

The first thing I remember hearing DH say was that she was all girl a few times =)

After that we went over to PP and were hanging out. Everything went great, I felt great and didn't even feel like I'd had a baby. The nurses thought it was amazing I could move around so well so fast too. (TMI ALERT) So at midnight I got up to go to the bathroom so we could head to bed and I stood up and walked 3 steps to the bathroom and fel a HUGE gush that didn't want to stop. It was so bad I had blood running down my leg and all over the floor. At first I was like "ok I was laying down too long but it's no big deal I'll jsut clean up" then I pulled down my underwear to sit down and the pad was full of clots bigger then golf balls. I sat down and had more gushes into the toliet. I freaked out and had DH call the nurse. She came in a was telling me that it was normal and that it was just from me sitting down so long without getting up. In my heart I knew that it wasn't normal but she wouldn't listen. Well I walked back to bed with another gush (she took more clots out of the pad when I layed down) and every time I moved I would have more gushes and clots come out. In an hour I had soaked the pad I had on so she got me another one and took it to weigh jsut to be safe. I got up to go to the bathroom to make sure my bladder was empty (like she asked) and I filled another pad with clots and filled the toliet too. By this point I was so lightheaded I just stayed there. Dh was sleeping and I couldn't get him to wake up by calling his name so I waited for the nurse. At this point she decided I needed to stay in bed so she got some pills to try to stop the bleeding (had to go in rectally and are the same thing as what is use to rippen the cervix to start labor) she said they would work fast and she would be back in about 15 min to see if they worked and to put in a cath. Well it didn't stop so she called my dr in. By this point I had thrown something at DH to wake him up and make him be with me as I'm so scared. They come in with the cath and I'm shaking hard and I can't stop. They try to put warm blankets on me while doing the cath but it's not helping. My dr comes in and he tells me that he knows they got everything out because he reached his hand into my uterus while I had the epidural to make sure. He then tells me that he is going to have to reach inside me again and that he knows it will hurt really bad and he is sorry. So it took DH and a nurse and the dr holding my down while I'm screaming and begging him to stop so he can do this. When he is done I'm so out of it I don't remember much other then wishing I would just pass out so it didn't hurt anymore. They wet through and had to give me another IV before doing this as they had taken mine out hours before as it's now 4 AM. The dr started me on pitocin again and pushed IV fluids as well as blood tests to see if I needed a transfusion because I had lost so much blood. I remember after everyone had left the room laying there thinking I was going to die or need a hystorectomy (as that was the next step if it continued) I was so afraid I was going to die. I layed there half able to answer the questions I was asked (stuff like if I wanted to sit up or stay laying down) I'm sure a part of that was all the pain meds they were giving me as they had given me the max of percocet, motrin, and morphine as well as another shot that was to help my uterus contract along with the pitocin and the original pills they gave me. I'm sure I wasn't making much sense as I cried to my DH about not letting them beat me up again and making him promise and I know I scared him as I told him I knew I had to live through all of it but I wasn't sure if I had enough fight left to do it after the last 2 years....it was so terrible....I didn't really sleep more then a few minutes at a time for the next 2-3 hours. Part of that was becuase I had to be checked so often and part of it was fear of going to sleep and not waking up. The nurses took Makenna to the nursery for us so we didn't have to try to take care of her while I couldn't move. Not only did they not wnat me to move but my insides were bruised all the way to my rib cage after everything. The next morning my bp was still high but the bleeding was under control so my dr told me that I would be able to leave the next day but not that day (which I already guessed at) He told me that while the labs showed very low blood count it wasn't low enough to risk a trasfusion so he was going to give me iron pills to take home and that it would take me 2-3 weeks to feel normal again. I spent most of the day in and out of sleep wishing to forget. He did tell me again how sorry he was over and over and how much he hated it but he didn't want to do surgery if he could help it as that would have been a longer recovery and even worse side effects.a

That night Makenna gave the nurses a scare of her own. They were checking her heart rate and it was high so they took her to watch her and they got her hooked up and she was normal so they watched her for about an hour before bringing her back and she was just fine. They think it was because her and I were laying together for a few hours and it had raised both our body temps or that she was having a bad dream.

So anyway, we got home yesterday afternoon and she has hardly been put down since. The boys fight over who gets to hold her and feed her. I'm doing ok although more tired then I thought was possible and my feet are swollen to the point of pain from all the IV fliuds they pumped into me in 2-3 hours after the blood loss. My dr told me that could take 2-3 weeks to go away too. Great..

June 17, 2009

I think a lot lately but I never put it down. Why you might ask is because I'm afraid to put it into words. Afraid the fear will take over and win, afraid to hope to much, just afraid of what will come out as I let my mind go and type like I do on here.

So to play catch up, I've gone to the ER 3 times with this pregnancy. Once at almost 12 weeks, once at almost 13 weeks (a week after the first visit) and again at about 18 weeks. I'm sure I've posted about the first 2 so I will skip those and go to the 18 week visit.

We were visiting my mother in law and I'd been having really lightheaded and dizzy spells that would cause me to fall over and then I was cramping with it, then came the spotting, and then we couldn't find the heartbeat with my doppler. Well all of this built up over several days so when we couldn't find the heart beat it was time to go to the ER. They found the heartbeat in the ER with the machine they told me hardly ever found the heartbeat but they sent me for an ultrasound anyway jsut to be safe. Well we found out the bleeding was almost completely gone and the whole time we were calling Casper/Kasper a "he" and I mentioned to the tech we didn't know for sure so she offered to tell us. Turns out we are having a GIRL!!! Adn we already have a name for her too Makenna Elizabeth =)

Ok fast forward about 2 more weeks for my normal appointment with ultrasound and the placenta has moved, there is no more blood, and she is "perfectly healthy" and still a she =) So far everything is going good. I'm sure she will break one of my ribs at some point as she LOVES to climn up there and stretch out and boy does it hurt!!!! She is already such a dady's girl too. Whenever Chas puts his hand on my stomach she moves to him and it has come in handy (no pun intended) a few times when she is stretched out in my ribs or inbetween my hip bones. He jsut puts his hand where it will be more comfortable for me and she moves! It's great. I have to lay cuddled up to Chas so my stomach is touching him or she will get really mad. As I lay there she will shift into him in seconds. She has even learned how to kick hard enough that he can feel her already which shouldn't be possible for a few weeks still.

It amazes me that I am here. I really thought I wouldn't be here again. I thought that after Jay and Peanut I would never have another baby. I feared I would just murder any baby that tried to go inside me. I know many don't agree with how I look at it but it is really how I still feel to this day. It is what it is, but anyway. To be here and to have made it this far I feel like I'm really going to have a baby in Oct so I can finally breath and be excited but I also think about Jay and Peanut a lot too. I wonder about them and how it would have been to be here with them. To feel them move and grow. To be planning on their birth and how their brothers would be with them. I hear Sky talk about how he is going to be a big brother and Bry tells him he is already a big brother and he gets mad and says he's not. I have to tell Bry to let it go because at almost 3 Sky doesn't understand that he has 2 younger siblings that aren't here with us. The older booys know and remember but Sky is still too little. Even Cam at 5 has a hard time understanding. One year when they are older I can talk to them about Jay and Peanut and they will understand. I think about Jay and Peanut probably every day although it's not the same as it used to be. The pain isn't all the time and so hard to handle. It's like they will always be here and they are always in my mind and it still hurts, don't get me wrong, the pain is just different. Almost like I have gotten used to living with the pain so it's more in the background then a part of every breath I take. It's so hard to explain and I jsut can't find words that will make it make sense like it should. I guess the only way to really know what I'm talking about is to have been there yourself and that is something I hope no one ever has to go through.

May 3, 2009

To find out or to not find out?

Every day I think of new reasons to find out or to not find out so I'm going to argue with mysef for a minute (and others can feel free to join in too)

1- We have always found out before. The only times we didn't find out was because the baby was gone so we couldn't. And I have a really hard time the last 2 months of pregnancy because I have what one Dr called an "irritable uterus" which doesn't quite cover it for me but whatever. Basically I go into labor very well but I also go out of it very well. So I will have several hours of contractions that get closer together and are very regular but I don't dilate and they will stop before I can get to the hospital (I've been lucky enough to make it to the hospital in labor once just to have it stop after I was all hooked up to an IV and everything so I was induced anyway) So seeing as how the last 2 months are so hard, the last month the worst, maybe having something like this to look forward to would make it not so bad instead of jsut waiting for {insert name} to come I am waiting to see who it is that is coming.

2- Everyone will focus on gender instead of a healthy baby. Everyone I know in real life keeps telling me they hope I get a girl when asked to pray for a healthy baby. When asked I tell them the truth, that after losing 2 babies I can't even think about gender I jsut want to know my baby is healthy and ok. I ask them to pray for a healthy baby and they always answer the same thing "I'll pray you get a girl" WTF???? I don't want people to know what we are having until after Casper gets here so I don't have to hear how great it is that I'm having a girl or how sad it is I'm having another healthy boy. I really truely feel like there are several people I know that if I were to say "I'm having a girl but she is very sick and we will be lucky if she lives to birth much less if we even get a day with her" to which they would say "You are having a girl!!! That is so great! Who cares that she is sick at least you are having a girl!!!" UGH!

3- In truth I do want a girl. It would be nice to have my own daughter and not jsut my step daughter that we see once every few months. Chas and my boys really want a girl too. So much so that my Lex is afraid he will hate a boy just for being a boy (I went through this with Bry when Sky was born and they have been best friends since he was born but anyway) Lex is so afraid that we have to keep the gender a secret from him until he has had time to hold Casper and fall in love with him before finding out boy or girl (he asked us to do this as one of the many options we gave for ways to help him not hate another brother) I went through a really hard time after finding out Sky was a boy and I hate myself for it. I don't want to go through that again when I know in the end I will love my baby no matter what or to hate myself the whole time because I know how lucky I am to be having a baby that is healthy so I really shouldn't care what is between their legs.

4- (the newest thought) I've been looking at baby stuff online to try to get an idea of how much things will cost and it is much cheaper to get stuff that is for a girl then it is to get stuff for a boy which is cheaer then stuff that is gender neutral!!! There is a travel system for a girl that it like $119 but the cheapest gender neutral one I cna see myself with is almost $200!!!! That's a big difference. Add to that I would forever be upset that I brought my only girl home to yellows and greens instead of being able to put her in pinks and purples and stuff with flowers and such. And should we have a girl there is another girl being born any day now in the family that we might be abel to get hand me downs from too but who knows how fast they will get rid of them, but that brings me back to not wanting people to think only about the gender! Sigh. The biggest thing for this arguement is that if we are having a girl after 5 boys then it would be nice to have girl stuff and girl stuff is cheaper too. I keep thinking maybe I could find out and then buy stuff and hide it from everyone but I would have to tell my aunt at least because we are living with her so she would see all of it and then the boys would know so who knows how long it would stay a secret.

5- If we do find out and hear boy like in the dream I had yesterday then I would feel really bad because I would tell no one but if we hear girl I might tell people just so I can start getting hand me downs so I don't have to buy as much if anything. Maybe I would even get lucky enough to have someone throw me a baby shower becuase I'm having a girl after 5 boys. Who knows? I would also feel bad about hearing boy because all of my arguements are about hearing girl and getting ready for a girl. Should we hear boy I will have to lie to everyone so Lex doesn't find out so he can fall in love with Casper before deciding he hates another brother.

6- Back to the dream, I have had a dream with every living baby of mine that told me the gender and it has always been right so I feel like I already know what I'm having and I just have to prove it. Given that I probably wouldn't believe it even if they did say girl or at birth if they told me girl. I would think for sure that there was a mistake.and it's not really my baby.

Chas thinks we should just not find out. That the reasons to not find out are better then the reasons to find out. He's probably right but it doesn't change the way I look at it right now. sigh. I don't know what to do...do I really want to know or do I really want to wait? I don't know how to decide. First I want to know my baby is ok and I don't want mysef or others to get wrapped up in gender but I don't think I can stand to wait until Oct either. I'm not that patient. I would be begging Chas for a 3D ultrasound by July to fnd out gender. I just know I would. So arguing with myself continues...I just can't make up my mind

May 1, 2009

Today I had what should be my 16 week visit, even though I won't be 16 weeks until Tuesday. It was set for Monday, but I changed it because I might be out of town on Monday. Anyway, Casper sounds good still and I set my ultrasound date too. My next appointment and ultrasound will be on June 1st. I'm terrified. Today's visit was equal to the last one Ja was alive for and the ultrasound will be at the same place we found out Peanut was gone as well as the same time line for when I found out Jay was gone... All I know is that my doppler is getting used a lot between now and then to help me feel better.

My Dr also told me that my placenta is in the front (before I as told it was in the back) which is why I haven't felt any movement yet and it will make it really hard to feel movement in general. Sigh. At least I have my doppler other wise I would go crazy!

So we decided to take a chance and start talking names and make a name list for others to vote on so if anyone would like to vote here is the link-

April 21, 2009

I went and saw my Dr yesterday and he's not as worried as I think he should be, but maybe he is just trying to keep me calm. Anyway, He doesn't want to do another ultrasound because there is nothing that can be done anyway and it will only make me worry more. So I go back for my normal appointment on May 4th and he told me I could go back 2 weeks after that for a heartbeat check if I need to and then 2 weeks after that will be the 20 week U/S!!! I can't believe I only have 6 weeks left until I'm there. It seems so far away and yet I'm sure it will go really fast as there is a lot of stuff between now and then.

Ok and now for the best part of this post (ok the rest is really good too but this is REALLY good!)


We can hear the heartbeat on my doppler now!!!! That means I can hear this little one whenever I want too!

Oh and we have a nickname too. We wanted something Halloweenish but we have been having a really hard time finding something that sounds right and will stick, but last night Chas and I decided to jsut call the baby Casper for now and this morning Bry agreed so the baby is now called Casper until he or she is born. =)

April 12, 2009

(typing one handed sorry)

I went to the er yesterday morning and gpt admitted by the er dreven though the obs made it very clear they didn't see the point to me being there.

Anyway, the bleeding in my uterus is worse and causing my so much pain. I couldn't move or even touch my stomach. The er dr wanted me to be watched because it is building up inside me and not coming out and the obs thought I should have been sent home and told to take tylenol and not even put on bed rest because I wasn't bleeding out. Well one of the obs told me that all they could do was give me pain pills (that weren't working for more then if I didn't move at all) or terminate the pregnancy. So because I wouldn't terminate I was sent home with pills. Never mind that they only way the pills worked at all was I was taking 2 every 3 1/2 to 4 hours and they only gave me 20 pills! Yea, I wonder how long those are going to last.

Stupid insensitive people. Oh and the ob told me that if the pain gets worse it means the bleeding is worse and will need to be checked. Well the pain got worse and so her solution was to deal or terminate. I don't understand why they can't just do something like an amnio and remove some of the blood to make it let up a little for a minute, but no. Either I deal or terminate.