June 29, 2008

Approching 9 weeks pregnant.
I have been feeling very guilty lately. Bry and I keep calling this baby Jay without even thinking about it. We both always say oopes and get upset, but still. We know this baby isn't Jay, but it stil slips out. I know other people do it too. I guess I've done this everytime I've been pregnant. Without thinking I will think of the baby as the last child but this time is seem worse I guess. Aside from that I have desied what I want for my birthday although I'm sure I'm not going to get it. I want a gift certificate to Fetal Fotos. It's an ultrasound place just up the street from where I live (ok there are several but there is one just up the street) They do 3D/4D ultrasounds and I would love to have one now that this is our last baby. And if I could get an ultrasound around 17 weeks it would make me feel much better (for a moment anyway) as that is when Jay's heart stopped. I think I will go crazy waiting until 20 weeks for an ultrasound. In about a week I should have a good chance at hearing the aby on the doppler too so that will help make me feel better. I guess just having the doppler will have to be enough to get me through the 16-20 week mark.

June 22, 2008

So I sent this e-mail out to family and a few friends and I post it here for others to read as well. The first part is an unexpected response from Chas' mom and step-dad Dean followed by the original e-mail.

If you weren’t included in the original email Charlie out, you should scroll to the end and read it first before proceeding to read our response to him.

Charles,

We have a Father in Heaven who’s greatest joy is to bring His spirit children to this earth, which is His creation for enriching the experiences His children will have in preparing for a richer eternal life when we return back to Him. To quote Him, “This is My work and My Glory to bring to pass the immortality and ETERNAL Life of man.” He also said, “It is Life eternal to know Him and His Son Jesus Christ and understand the saving mercies provided by His atoning sacrifice.

So, Charles my son, your chosen path to bring more spirits the opportunity of having an earthly body and progression towards an understanding of who they are, why they are here and where they can reach in their eternal progression is a divine pathway and you should never apologize for the greatest of all potential you can provide for those spirits you bring into this world.

It’s true you may loose a child or two along the way, but you have God’s promise that during Christ’s 1,000 year reign on earth you will be able to raise those children to maturity and great will be your joy. That is why it is so important to learn as parents what you can do to teach these children how to learn about the GOD who made this all possible. God wants each and every one of his children to learn and grow towards Him that we might be like Him for that will bring the greatest happiness you can ever have and it will be yours throughout all eternity and beyond.

During my fight for life with the open heart bypass surgery I can testify that I came to know Jesus Christ and My Heavenly Father personally. I know They live and have their hands outstretched towards us. All we have to do is learn of them and ask them for their help. I felt buoyed up by the faith and prayers of all of you, and I know Charles he will be with you and especially Tammy for all your efforts to help His divine plan to be fulfilled.

You have your mother’s blessing, my blessing, and YOUR FATHER IN HEAVENS BLESSING… what more could you ask! Keep us in the loop as the birth progresses.

Love, Dean

Charlie,
Amen to what Dean said. I love you and totally understand how you feel. I had to go through the same agony as you every time I found out I was pregnant. I always dreaded having to make “the announcement.” I learned a long time ago that lack of money or material possessions should never be a reason for limiting the size of our families…so long as there is enough love to go around, that’s all a child really needs to survive…and you do a great job at spreading the love! I don’t regret having any of my children because my children and my grandchildren have brought me both my greatest agony, but also my greatest joy.

I love you all and we’ll certainly keep you in our prayers. Thank you so much for not keeping this from me. We’re a family and we need to act like one and stand together!

Love, Mom


From: Charles Adams [mailto:adams312@msn.com] Sent: Sunday, June 22, 2008 12:31 PMTo: Aaron Hopkins; Abe Eggett; becky adams; Dean&Lorna Morrison; Marie; Rachel BarnettSubject: Dear family and friends

Dear everyone,
We are writing this letter full well knowing how most if not all of you will feel about what we have to tell you, yet hoping that you can find it in your heart to put that aside and offer your thoughts and prayers. 3 weeks ago we found out that we are unexpectedly pregnant and we view this as such a blessing and a miracle. The truth is we had thought it was no longer possible to have another baby because of the toll it took on Tammy's body after losing Jay and had turned it over to God and we were ready to close that door forever when we found out that our family isn't complete. Like we said we know that most if not all of you feel that we have to many kids as it is and are stupid for continuing to have them, but we ask that you put that aside and pray for our little one to make it. For those that don't know on Oct 30, 2007 we had a 20 week (5 month) ultrasound for our baby Jay and at that time we were told Jay had been dead for 3 weeks. 2 days later the evening of Nov 1, 2007 we checked into the hospital so they could induce labor. The morning of Nov 2nd Jay was born still and all tests came back that there was no reason for what happened. Because of that there is no way to know if it will happen again or how to prevent it. That is why we are asking for prayers in this trying time.
Thank you in advance,
Love,
Tammy, Charles, Bryson, Alex, Camren, and Skyler

P.S Please forward to others

June 20. 2008

I realized today that I never said how I told Chas about the baby. It was actually really stupid. He didn't know I was going to test or anything and I took the test when he was not here and had taken Bry to school. So I was trying to think of a really great way to tell him but the truth was I was to scared to think of anything cute or fun or even happy. I had posted the picture and post before I ever told Chas about the test. So Chas and I are really wierd people in the fact that we text each other even though we are in the same house, the same room, or even sitting next to each other. So I was sitting next to him an I sent him a text message that said some thing like "Can we make it through anything?" He sent back some thing like "Yea, we have made it through everything so far" and so I sent back "even this new adventure we are going to be on?" and at that point he looked at me and asked what I was talking about, so I told him he needed to read my blog more. LOL Not really the best way to tell him or even very creative. I really wish I could have done something else but my heart just wasn't in it. I was so scared and I needed to lean on him and have him tell me it was all going to be ok. He saw the picture before he read anything so he pulled me into him and held me while he read. He really thought/thinks this is a great thing and I do too. I'm just scared and he refuses to be. He is very optimistic an i'm vey pessimistic we kind of even out that way. So he is thinking that everythign will be ok and in Feb we will have a hapy healthy (girl) baby. Me I'm realistic, which to him is negative. I say that anything can and does go wrong. So far it looks like we will have a baby in Feb but anything can happen to change that. I'm not sure if I said this already but Chas thinks we are having a girl because 1) we have had 5 boys and the odds are a girl has to show up some time. You can't "win" them all basically 2) he really wants a girl 3) the due date is (was) my grandma's birthday and we had planned on naming a girl after my grandma. I am sure we are having a boy for no other reason then we have had 5 boys. Sure I would like a girl (for reasons I said before) but lets be realistic again- I've had 5 boys, it's going to be anther boy. The only "sign" I have that MIGHT mae me think girl is my cats because the animal old wives tale is the only one that has been right for me every time. For those that don't know the animal old wives tale as I call it is that when pregnant with a boy female animals will be around as much as ossible and male animals will avoid you. If you are pregnant with a girl male animals will be around you and female animals will not. (No i'm not going to say which way it is going right now, sorry guys)

June 17, 2008

I left home around 12:30 becasue I jsut couldn't sit around any longer. I went and got my hair cut and went to the library to pass the time and so I wouldn't think about it. I got to the doctors office and t wasn't long before the took me back. I had told my friends earlier that I really had to do this by myself so I went alone. As I layed there I made sure i could see the screen really well and instantly I could see the gestational sack when she started- and it was empty. I couldn't stopthinking about how that just had to be wrong, but I saw it over and over as she was looking for everything she had to measure. She even pointed it out to me as the sack and measured it so I know I was seeing the right thing. I couldn't breathe, I jsut kept thinking that couldn't be right. Then after what seemed like forever she zoomed in on the gestational sack and pointed out the baby. I still couldn't see a heart beating, but then she pointed to this little flicker that I thought was made by the machine. She focused on it and turned on the sound. The first try didn't work very well although you could kind of hear some thing, but the second try was very load and clear. I couldn't hol back the sob and tears that cam out. The tech asked me if I was ok and I told her I was jsut so happy and relieved. It was the most perfect thing I had ever heard. And she was even nice enough to go back and get me a picture after she had taken all the measurements she needed to and Peanut is measuring really slose to what I thought he would, 7 weeks. The best part is that my due date has been changed to Feb 2nd which was my grandma's birthday. We had planned on naming a little girl after her so to me it seems like a sign that I will have a healthy baby at the end. Oh and I get to go in fr the first trimester screening in 3-6 weeks (which inludes an U/S) and then I have another one at 20 weeks and my doctore wants me to scheduale both of them tomorrow! Oh it is going to be so hard knowing when they will be and counting down the days!!!
And how could I forget what I know everyone wants to see-
Introducing Peanut-

June 16, 2008

I CAN'T BREATHE!!!!!!!!!!
6 hours........6 hours.......6 hours....... That's all that's left until the U/S, until that horrible U/S that tells you life or death......The moment that you know that time stands still and you can't think, you can't feel, you can't do anything but stare at a screen as they put the goop on your belly and wait and watch for a flicker a blink any movement and all too often people see none..... I don't think I can do this, sure I have friends that are taking me and will gladly go in with me if I want them to, but I think I have to do this on my own. I think I have to face this by myself. I just can't breathe. I don't want to go, I don't want to do this. I'm just going to go climb into bed and pull the covers over my hed and live in denial. Yea, thats it. If I don't go I never have to know either way and I don't have to let go should I have to. If only I could. Chas would never let me get away with it, niether would my friends that are picking me up....Maybe I'll just call and tell them not to come, tell them that I'm going to go by myself and that I'll just meet them at school, yea that's it and then I'll just forget to go. Yea. Ok I know I sound crazy, but I don't care! I can't do this I just can't go there when I know that those things tell people their dreams are gone, their baby has no life. I can't go through that again. I've done it twice now I can't do it again I just can't....I can't..

June 14, 2008

To everyone that keeps aking if I want a girl and the people that tell me I have to have a girl or that they hope I get a girl- YES, I WANT A GIRL BUT I REALLY JUST WANT TO BRING HOME A HEALTHY BABY!!!!!! Ok there I said it. But it's not for the reasons everyone thinks (which is why this fits in Jay's story) I want a girl so that no one can tell me we have to give him Jay's name because Jay was just a miscarriage, I want a girl so no one, not even me, is going to be thinking or wondering if that is what Jay would have been like or looked like. I don't want ot have to worry about being afraid that life is going to repeat itself because I'm having another boy. I don't want to have myself or anyone look at the new baby and think even for a second that he is Jay or that he could be Jay come back to me. I want a girl so that I will never ever compare the new baby to Jay or so that no one can say I replaced Jay. You can't ever replace a child, ever and I don't want anyone to think that is what we did. This baby is here because it is meant to be here. It is it's own person, not in anyway Jay and I want to make sure everyone knows that.

June 13, 2008

What makes people say the things they do? I mean really? The things people sy to me is just crazy. Like today I told someone I was pregnant again so I could lean on them and get support as I strugle through this. I admitted that they were right and I wasn't ready for this, but when it happened I really truly didn't think it was possible or would ever be possible again. I really truly thought God was sending me a message that I would never have another baby. I had excepted that I was working to be happy with my life as it is when I found out it was going to change. Anyway, I sent them a text message on one of my breaks at work and what follows are the messages I got back.
Text 1- Im sorry thar it is so confusing maybe Mon will answer some ?s maybe ur hormones r whacked out or smthing plz keep me posted
Text 2- As much as we hate it maybe yr body just cant do another baby u sure havent had easy pregs I am sooo sorry 4 how u feel
ea, it realy sounds like your sorry and I'm ure you hate to admit it. Ok I know these comments came out of love and they weren't meant to hurt, but it still hurts. It makes me think and feel like it's my fault. Like I failed to take care of Jay and this baby when they needed me the most. It's just so hard to explain, but try I must because as I said in my last post I really want everything out there no matter what. I keep thinking that God wouldn't give me a baby jsut to take it away because i wasn't supposed to have anymore and God wouldn't put me through al of this for no reason. I know without a doubt that God gave me this baby when he did because I just couldn't handle trying anymore and I was going to have Chas go get fixed and move on with life becasue I really truely belived it was time to move on and I would never be able to have another baby and that the child I thought was missing was Jay and not another baby. I know in my heart that my family is not complete yet if I lose this baby complete it wil be because I cn't go through any more pain. Even though I know that there is only one baby in there because there was only one yoke sack it doesn't stop me from day dreaming about there being twins. For some reason I jsut really feel like I'm meant to have twins but I know it's not going to happen because this is it for us no matter what. I guess there is always the chance for a miracle ut I don't think it will ever happen and that sadens me some. The last few days have been crazy. My stomach is still cramping and I keep having the same feelings i had with Jay, but I'm not sure if they are just out of fear. In my heart I realy feel like this pregnancy is going to last were as with Jay I knew it wasn't no matter how much I tried to hide it. I just don't know what to think or what to do. I want to cry, but I don't. I feel like if I cry I'm already giving up on this little one before they had a real chance. Chas got me a doppler and it came today. It is so cool and it does make me feel a little better, and probably more so once I can use it. For those that don't know what I'm talking about a doppler is what the doctor uses to listen to the heart beat at every visit an it doesn't work until about 10-12 weeks pregnant. There seems to be more to say then there are words to say it. Add to that my brain is scrambled from lack of sleep and being hungry and there is no hope for me to really post everything I want to, so with that I will go and eat and then go to bed. Good night.