Wednesday, November 4, 2009

2 years as the mom of an angel baby

It has now been two years since I had to say good bye to my sweet baby Jay. It still hurts like hell. Sure I have figured out how to live day to day and get by and be ok with my new normal, but it still hurts like hell. I still think losing a child is something no one should ever have to go through, no matter the stage be it hours after the BFP, days, weeks, months, after the child is born, no matter when it happens it hurts like hell and no mother or father should have to say good bye to thier child. On Nov 2nd I sat holding Makenna and being so thankful to finally have a baby. my baby, in my arms knowing it would be the last time I would ever hold a baby of my own again (unless God steps in and decides other wise) and I am so grateful and feel so blessed to have her but my heart still breaks for the ones I lost and never got to hold. My angel babies as I call them. On Halloween I was asked by my MIL if we were going to have anymore and we both told her no the risk is too high. Given that Jay and Peanut were lost from placenta problems and we almost lost Makenna from placenta problems and I almost died after birth from the blood loss (ok maybe that is over reacting but I thought I was going to die and Chas did too until after the Dr was done and assured him I would be ok) the way I look at it is getting pregnant again would be risking my life and the baby's life so I just can't do it. We had agreed that because of the risks to the baby as we saw them that Makenna would be the last baby no matter how it ended (with a baby to hold or another angel baby to love from afar)

My life is so crazy right now wth the 5 kids so I don't get to come and post as much as I would like too. Add to that my computer is down for the count and I have to wait for the time to get on Chas' computer and have the boys being good and have Makenna sleeping and I don't get on very often but I do think about this blog almost every day. I know there is a lot more I want to say but I don't have the time to post more and with the boys running around me I can't think straight anyway. With any luck I will be able to remember it all after they go to bed and post more then.